Two wants 1 more

Added: Price Mose - Date: 24.03.2022 11:01 - Views: 15086 - Clicks: 4511

My husband and I have been together for nearly four years and are struggling to decide whether to have another baby. When we met, he had a 3-year-old son, and after a messy custody battle, he got primary custody of his son, my stepson. I found out I was pregnant shortly after we started dating. When we decided to live together, I made sure to have a talk with him in which I was completely open about my wishes to eventually have another baby.

I did this in large part because he is 14 years older than me. I have always wanted three children, and despite my early unexpected pregnancy, I was not willing to enter into a deeper relationship where having more children was not an option. Not only did he enthusiastically agree at the time, but he jokingly said he wouldn't mind having another 10 children.

The last fight about this has put us on the brink of divorce. I truly love him, and there are obviously many other reasons we are married, but in my mind those reasons would never have developed without the initial agreement to have another baby. Am I irrational for considering divorce over this?

Spouses often forget this, upping the ante on their suffering— I had the kids all day. My job is more demanding than yours. Whose pain wins? In this kind of setup, both people inevitably lose. If your husband gives you and it destroys your marriage, is he really giving you a gift? If you give up on having a baby but resent your husband for life, did he really get what he wants? What will help you move forward is to think of yourselves as teammates rather than opponents.

This means that instead of trying to get your partner to agree with your perspective, you should work together to understand yourselves and each other better. Only then can you make a thoughtful decision about the path forward. You say that you love your husband and that there are many reasons you enjoy being married to him. You also say that when you got pregnant soon after meeting, you would have ended the relationship had he not agreed to having a third child. I want you to imagine your life had he said no to a third child at that point.

Perhaps you would have ended the relationship, but there would have been no guarantee that you would have found someone you loved as much who also wanted three children during the window in which you were able to have them. You would have seen less of what would have been your first and perhaps only child than you do now—again, with no guarantee of your having more children later on with a different partner.

Take a moment to contemplate that scenario. Would you really prefer that to what you have now? People can change their minds without changing who they are. Nothing will change for you. And he feels so shut down that all he can say to you is You need to get over this. But what if instead you got curious about how he feels so that he, in turn, can be more open to how you feel? Maybe he feels that he'll miss out on spending more time with you just as the kids are becoming more independent.

Why have you always wanted three children? Is there something from your childhood—a sense of loneliness, of not having a tribe—that informs the intensity of your feelings? Doing so will create a deeper level of understanding and compassion for what the other person is experiencing and add much more nuance to the conversation.

Make sure you both include the joy of the day in great detail. This experience will move you past the false binary of your preferred situation as being all good and the other situation as being all bad and help you both consider each scenario with more emotional flexibility. Neither of you will know what it would have been like if the other path were taken.

Whatever you imagine would be just that—imaginary. Either path can make both of you happy—if you let it. Either path can also make both of you miserable—if you let it. The point is, whichever path you take, your happiness will depend far more on how you make this decision together than what the ultimate outcome is. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Popular Latest. The Atlantic Crossword. In Subscribe.

Two wants 1 more

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What to Do if Only One Parent Wants More Kids